I entered the astounding and obscure[1] house[2] through a tiny[3] orifice, which was much smaller than my bulky 0-year-old photonic body[4]. The first thing[5] I saw was a mucogingival wall[6], projecting[7] a constant data[8]-stream@[9]12 kb/s onto something. I felt an urge to log[10] into it, but I couldn’t succeed because apparently I lacked a very specific kind of[11] imbecility that was required for a proper anencephallic fornicate-up of my upper slum[12] (= brain[13]). To my left I saw[14] a little piece of UFO[15] (Ultrastrange[16] Flesh Oneiroid), which consisted, if perceived[17] correctly, of more than 20 album[18] reviews written by & in an arcane asylum[19] (which was also a crucial part of the UFO). I continued my “safidal”[20] expedition and encountered[21] only a few minutes later a rather[22] gross[23] man called Idiosincrazy Jr. who was ejaculating honey[24] out of his anencephallus[25]. I still didn’t care enough about such wondrous incidents and kept moving. During the next twenty minutes I met 34,000[26] people of different age, color, intellect, grossness, sex and color[27], but I could remember only one name – Xass[28].
“Who the fornicate are you?!” I yelled at Xass[29], “and what is so special about your properties that apparently enabled me to filter you out of so many fleshy[30] things?”
“I am the owner of this unique property,” he said, accompanying his statement by a rather abstract[31] movement with his sillily distorted hands, which jerkingly[32] flickered in and out of different structures, alternating[33] between four or five entropomorphic modi dadandi.
“I scarcely[34] understand.”
“Well, this house is my place[35],” he explained. “You are allowed to stay and call it … the House of Xass[36], if you wish to.”
“But what the bang[37] is happening[38] here? This ‘increasingly weird’[39] house is like the ‘Anne[40] Frank[41] of Erections[42]’[43], if you know what I meme.”
“I scarcely[44] understand,” he quoted SARSdonically.
“Well, you know, it’s really quite grotesQ in here. And I really don’t see any frickin’[45] purpose whatsoever. Like, tell me, for example: What the frell[46] do you need a huge Ultraodd Fetish Onolith[47] for anyway? I mean I can tell there’s some ‘utter bullshit’[48] goin’ on here.”
“The purpose, my friend, and trust me on this one, is the celebration of the creation and preservation of The Aesthetics of Mentioning Artists and Masterpieces of Art[49], which is mostly implemented via reviews, preferably reviews of and/or by progressive metal albums. Let me show[50] you.”
He exerted with his right hand (which surprisingly had an inscription on its back reading MANDIBLAIKA, probably some twisted[51] subspecies of a balalaika for the mandibula) pressure to the left side of his underjaw[52], and an almost[53] unnoticeable airstream diffused out of the cheekbone[54]. Xass started to follow the malodorant trail[55] of the strange gaseous substance, while I followed him, and soon we were both standing in front of a room with an LCD[56] on its door[57] saying: “REVIEW OF FARMAKON’S A WARM GLIMPSE IN PROGRESS[58].” He opened the door, and I saw[59] a primary school pupil[60] made out of orange and grapefruit juice[61].
“What the screw!” I roared in a monumental shock when confronted with[62] this completely “disturbian agg[63]lomeration.”[64]
“Let me elaborate: The very nature of the aesthetics of mentioning an artist or a work of art by reviewing an album, a hook[65] perhaps or per se[66], or a … schmiergel of some sort, well, I assume you’ve had enough examples for now … the very nature of the aesthetic entity pursued inside these walls is something that I call STRANGEOLOGICAL[67].”
“I might’ve heard[68] that one before.”
“Well, here you go[69] again. Don’t be disgusted by the … strange images that may …”
“… or may not …”
“Well, no, actually, I would insist on the ‘may’ part … where was I … oh yes … which may …”
“… or may not …”
“Well, no, actually, I would insist on the ‘may’ part … where was I … yes … which may …”
“… or may not …”
“Well, no, actually, I would insist on the ‘may’ part … where was I … oh yes … which may …”
“… or may not …”
“Well, no, actually, I would insist on the ‘may’ part … where was I … yes … which may …”
“… or may not …”
“Well, no, actually, I would insist on the ‘may’ part … where was I … oh yes … which may …”
“… or may not …”
“Well, no, actually, I would insist on the ‘may’ part … where was I … yes … which may …”
“… or may not …”
“Well, no, actually, I would insist on the ‘may’ part … where was I … oh yes … which may …”
“… or may not …”
“Well, no, actually, I would insist on the ‘may’ part … where was I … yes … which may …”
“… ÖN MAG NOGG …”
Notes:
[1] Cf. Obscura: Cosmogenesis.
[2] Cf. David Shore: House.
[3] Cf. Tom Ruegger: Tiny Toons.
[4] Cf. Joss Whedon: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “The Body.”
[5] Cf. John Carpenter: The Thing.
[6] Cf. Pink Floyd: The Wall.
[7] Cf. King Crimson: ProjeKcts.
[8] Cf. Lt. Cmdr. Data in Star Trek – The Next Generation.
[9] Cf. Stephen Walker: Young@Heart.
[10] Cf. Margaret Lanterman aka The “Log Lady” in David Lynch & Mark Frost: Twin Peaks.
[11] Cf. Joe Berlinger & Bruce Sinofsky: Metallica: Some Kind of Monster.
[12] Cf. Danny Boyle: Slumdog Millionaire.
[13] Cf. Gigantic Brain: World.
[14] Cf. James Wan: Saw.
[15] Cf. Chris Carter: The X-Files.
[16] Cf. Stanley Kubrick: Dr. Strangelove Or How …
[17] Cf. Percy B. Shelley.
[18] Cf. Faith No More: Album of the Year.
[19] Cf. Joel Schumacher: Batman Returns.
[20] Cf. Adefis.
[21] Cf. Steven Spielberg: Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
[22] Cf. Joel Veitch: www.rathergood.com.
[23] Cf. Janis Alacard Stelloff: Gross Out.
[24] Cf. William S. Burroughs: Soft Machine.
[25] Cf. T. Rex.
[26] Cf. π.
[27] Cf. Repetition of items in a list of dishes in Samuel Beckett: Watt.
[28] Cf. Myster X: Schwer jurierende BTB-Wanzen, Xass-Männer & §eepferdchen.
[29] Cf. Das Lab: Xaß.
[30] Cf. Kevin Smith: Zack and Miri Make a Porno.
[31] Cf. Abstrakt Algebra: Abstrakt Algebra.
[32] Cf. James Melkonian: The Jerky Boys.
[33] Cf. AltCom.
[34] Cf. Brian de Palma: Scarface.
[35] Cf. Matthew Holness: Garth Merenghi’s Darkplace.
[36] Cf. Mark Z. Danielewski: House of Leaves.
[37] Cf. Chuck Lorre & Bill Prady: The Big Bang Theory; cf. Vic Reeves & Bob Mortimer: Bang Bang, It’s Reeves and Mortimer.
[38] Cf. M. Night Shaymalan: The Happening.
[39] Armando Iannucci in Time Trumpet, Episode 4; cf. Dr. Weird in Dave Willis & Matt Maiellaro: Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
[40] Cf. Kurt Schwitters: Anna Blume.
[41] Cf. Frank Caliendo.
[42] Cf. Erektion: Rectal Intrusion.
[43] Jon Lajoie: „I Kill People.”
[44] Cf. Scarecrow in Christopher Nolan: Batman Begins.
[45] Cf. Elliot Reid in Bill Lawrence: Scrubs.
[46] Cf. Rockne S. O’Bannon: Farscape.
[47] Cf. Stanley Kubrick: 2001: A Space Odyssey.
[48] Ben Lewis: Art Safari.
[49] Cf. Hans Arp.
[50] Cf. David Cross & Bob Odenkirk: Mr. Show.
[51] Cf. Forbidden: Twisted Into Form; Twisted Into Form: Then Comes Affliction to Awaken the Dreamer.
[52] Cf. Steven Spielberg: Jaws.
[53] Cf, Cameron Crowe: Almost Famous.
[54] Cf. Hart Hanson: Bones.
[55] Cf. And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead.
[56] Cf. UCB.
[57] Cf. The Doors.
[58] Cf. Prögressor.
[59] Cf. Darren Lynn Bousman: Saw 2.
[60] Cf. German Popel.
[61] Cf. http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Orange_Jews.
[62] Cf. Watchtower: Control and Resistance.
[63] Cf. www.aggum.de.
[64] Jens Marder: Seltsamkytes Forschung, p. 34 et. seq.
[65] Cf. James M. Barrie: Peter Pan.
[66] Cf. Ingmar Bergman: Persona.
[67] Cf. Dr. Evil in Jay Roach: Austin Powers.
[68] Cf. Spock’s Beard.
[69] Cf. Hugo Reyes in Jeffrey Lieber, J.J. Abrams & Damon Lindelof: Lost.
Artist’s Note: The illustration has modified the album cover of Farmakon’s A Warm Glimpse and the book cover of Mark. Z. Danielewski’s House of leaves. No copyright infringement is intended.
Daniel Ableev, *1981 in Novosibirsk, Russia, is a certified strangeologist from Bonn, Germany; he has studied law and comparative literature, writes for the metal magazine “Legacy”, composes avantsounds for “Freuynde + Gaesdte” and co-edits “DIE NOVELLE – Zeitschrift für Experimentelles”; ∞ publications in German & English, print & online (“Born to Fear: Interviews with Thomas Ligotti”, “Jahrbuch der Lyrik 2009”, “Alu” etc.).www.wunderticker.com / www.wunderticker.de
