House of Xass – Daniel Ableev

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Illustration by Vaishnavi Suresh

I entered the astounding and obscure[1] house[2] through a tiny[3] orifice, which was much smaller than my bulky 0-year-old photonic body[4]. The first thing[5] I saw was a mucogingival wall[6], projecting[7] a constant data[8]-stream@[9]12 kb/s onto something. I felt an urge to log[10] into it, but I couldn’t succeed because apparently I lacked a very specific kind of[11] imbecility that was required for a proper anencephallic fornicate-up of my upper slum[12] (= brain[13]). To my left I saw[14] a little piece of UFO[15] (Ultrastrange[16] Flesh Oneiroid), which consisted, if perceived[17] correctly, of more than 20 album[18] reviews written by & in an arcane asylum[19] (which was also a crucial part of the UFO). I continued my “safidal”[20] expedition and encountered[21] only a few minutes later a rather[22] gross[23] man called Idiosincrazy Jr. who was ejaculating honey[24] out of his anencephallus[25]. I still didn’t care enough about such wondrous incidents and kept moving. During the next twenty minutes I met 34,000[26] people of different age, color, intellect, grossness, sex and color[27], but I could remember only one name – Xass[28].

“Who the fornicate are you?!” I yelled at Xass[29], “and what is so special about your properties that apparently enabled me to filter you out of so many fleshy[30] things?”

“I am the owner of this unique property,” he said, accompanying his statement by a rather abstract[31] movement with his sillily distorted hands, which jerkingly[32] flickered in and out of different structures, alternating[33] between four or five entropomorphic modi dadandi.

“I scarcely[34] understand.”

“Well, this house is my place[35],” he explained. “You are allowed to stay and call it … the House of Xass[36], if you wish to.”

“But what the bang[37] is happening[38] here? This ‘increasingly weird’[39] house is like the ‘Anne[40] Frank[41] of Erections[42][43], if you know what I meme.”

“I scarcely[44] understand,” he quoted SARSdonically.

“Well, you know, it’s really quite grotesQ in here. And I really don’t see any frickin’[45] purpose whatsoever. Like, tell me, for example: What the frell[46] do you need a huge Ultraodd Fetish Onolith[47] for anyway? I mean I can tell there’s some ‘utter bullshit’[48] goin’ on here.”

“The purpose, my friend, and trust me on this one, is the celebration of the creation and preservation of The Aesthetics of Mentioning Artists and Masterpieces of Art[49], which is mostly implemented via reviews, preferably reviews of and/or by progressive metal albums. Let me show[50] you.”

He exerted with his right hand (which surprisingly had an inscription on its back reading MANDIBLAIKA, probably some twisted[51] subspecies of a balalaika for the mandibula) pressure to the left side of his underjaw[52], and an almost[53] unnoticeable airstream diffused out of the cheekbone[54]. Xass started to follow the malodorant trail[55] of the strange gaseous substance, while I followed him, and soon we were both standing in front of a room with an LCD[56] on its door[57] saying: “REVIEW OF FARMAKON’S A WARM GLIMPSE IN PROGRESS[58].” He opened the door, and I saw[59] a primary school pupil[60] made out of orange and grapefruit juice[61].

“What the screw!” I roared in a monumental shock when confronted with[62] this completely “disturbian agg[63]lomeration.”[64]

“Let me elaborate: The very nature of the aesthetics of mentioning an artist or a work of art by reviewing an album, a hook[65] perhaps or per se[66], or a … schmiergel of some sort, well, I assume you’ve had enough examples for now … the very nature of the aesthetic entity pursued inside these walls is something that I call STRANGEOLOGICAL[67].”

“I might’ve heard[68] that one before.”

“Well, here you go[69] again. Don’t be disgusted by the … strange images that may …”

“… or may not …”

“Well, no, actually, I would insist on the ‘may’ part … where was I … oh yes … which may …”

“… or may not …”

“Well, no, actually, I would insist on the ‘may’ part … where was I … yes … which may …”

“… or may not …”

“Well, no, actually, I would insist on the ‘may’ part … where was I … oh yes … which may …”

“… or may not …”

“Well, no, actually, I would insist on the ‘may’ part … where was I … yes … which may …”

“… or may not …”

“Well, no, actually, I would insist on the ‘may’ part … where was I … oh yes … which may …”

“… or may not …”

“Well, no, actually, I would insist on the ‘may’ part … where was I … yes … which may …”

“… or may not …”

“Well, no, actually, I would insist on the ‘may’ part … where was I … oh yes … which may …”

“… or may not …”

“Well, no, actually, I would insist on the ‘may’ part … where was I … yes … which may …”

“… ÖN MAG NOGG …”

Notes:

[1] Cf. Obscura: Cosmogenesis.

[2] Cf. David Shore: House.

[3] Cf. Tom Ruegger: Tiny Toons.

[4] Cf. Joss Whedon: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “The Body.”

[5] Cf. John Carpenter: The Thing.

[6] Cf. Pink Floyd: The Wall.

[7] Cf. King Crimson: ProjeKcts.

[8] Cf. Lt. Cmdr. Data in Star Trek – The Next Generation.

[9] Cf. Stephen Walker: Young@Heart.

[10] Cf. Margaret Lanterman aka The “Log Lady” in David Lynch & Mark Frost: Twin Peaks.

[11] Cf. Joe Berlinger & Bruce Sinofsky: Metallica: Some Kind of Monster.

[12] Cf. Danny Boyle: Slumdog Millionaire.

[13] Cf. Gigantic Brain: World.

[14] Cf. James Wan: Saw.

[15] Cf. Chris Carter: The X-Files.

[16] Cf. Stanley Kubrick: Dr. Strangelove Or How …

[17] Cf. Percy B. Shelley.

[18] Cf. Faith No More: Album of the Year.

[19] Cf. Joel Schumacher: Batman Returns.

[20] Cf. Adefis.

[21] Cf. Steven Spielberg: Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

[22] Cf. Joel Veitch: www.rathergood.com.

[23] Cf. Janis Alacard Stelloff: Gross Out.

[24] Cf. William S. Burroughs: Soft Machine.

[25] Cf. T. Rex.

[26] Cf. π.

[27] Cf. Repetition of items in a list of dishes in Samuel Beckett: Watt.

[28] Cf. Myster X: Schwer jurierende BTB-Wanzen, Xass-Männer & §eepferdchen.

[29] Cf. Das Lab: Xaß.

[30] Cf. Kevin Smith: Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

[31] Cf. Abstrakt Algebra: Abstrakt Algebra.

[32] Cf. James Melkonian: The Jerky Boys.

[33] Cf. AltCom.

[34] Cf. Brian de Palma: Scarface.

[35] Cf. Matthew Holness: Garth Merenghi’s Darkplace.

[36] Cf. Mark Z. Danielewski: House of Leaves.

[37] Cf. Chuck Lorre & Bill Prady: The Big Bang Theory; cf. Vic Reeves & Bob Mortimer: Bang Bang, It’s Reeves and Mortimer.

[38] Cf. M. Night Shaymalan: The Happening.

[39] Armando Iannucci in Time Trumpet, Episode 4; cf. Dr. Weird in Dave Willis & Matt Maiellaro: Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

[40] Cf. Kurt Schwitters: Anna Blume.

[41] Cf. Frank Caliendo.

[42] Cf. Erektion: Rectal Intrusion.

[43] Jon Lajoie: „I Kill People.”

[44] Cf. Scarecrow in Christopher Nolan: Batman Begins.

[45] Cf. Elliot Reid in Bill Lawrence: Scrubs.

[46] Cf. Rockne S. O’Bannon: Farscape.

[47] Cf. Stanley Kubrick: 2001: A Space Odyssey.

[48] Ben Lewis: Art Safari.

[49] Cf. Hans Arp.

[50] Cf. David Cross & Bob Odenkirk: Mr. Show.

[51] Cf. Forbidden: Twisted Into Form; Twisted Into Form: Then Comes Affliction to Awaken the Dreamer.

[52] Cf. Steven Spielberg: Jaws.

[53] Cf, Cameron Crowe: Almost Famous.

[54] Cf. Hart Hanson: Bones.

[55] Cf. And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead.

[56] Cf. UCB.

[57] Cf. The Doors.

[58] Cf. Prögressor.

[59] Cf. Darren Lynn Bousman: Saw 2.

[60] Cf. German Popel.

[61] Cf. http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Orange_Jews.

[62] Cf. Watchtower: Control and Resistance.

[63] Cf. www.aggum.de.

[64] Jens Marder: Seltsamkytes Forschung, p. 34 et. seq.

[65] Cf. James M. Barrie: Peter Pan.

[66] Cf. Ingmar Bergman: Persona.

[67] Cf. Dr. Evil in Jay Roach: Austin Powers.

[68] Cf. Spock’s Beard.

[69] Cf. Hugo Reyes in Jeffrey Lieber, J.J. Abrams & Damon Lindelof: Lost.

Artist’s Note: The illustration has modified the album cover of Farmakon’s A Warm Glimpse and the book cover of Mark. Z. Danielewski’s House of leaves. No copyright infringement is intended.

Daniel Ableev, *1981 in Novosibirsk, Russia, is a certified strangeologist from Bonn, Germany; he has studied law and comparative literature, writes for the metal magazine “Legacy”, composes avantsounds for “Freuynde + Gaesdte and co-edits “DIE NOVELLE – Zeitschrift für Experimentelles”; ∞ publications in German & English, print & online (“Born to Fear: Interviews with Thomas Ligotti”, “Jahrbuch der Lyrik 2009”, “Alu” etc.).www.wunderticker.com / www.wunderticker.de