He’s a horny old goat, always whining
about wanting what he doesn’t have.
I urge him to stop kvetching and suggest
he’d feel better if he gave up eating tin cans
and ate crabgrass and chickweed instead.
I remind him that nobody
ever promised him a garden
filled with roses and petunias.
With his elongated-spiraled horns,
he thought he was so handsome
that he ought to be in pictures.
He climbed the Hollywood hills,
one four-legged step at a time
until it got him a screen test.
Auditioning for a film,
he met a slender nanny goat
and immediately fell in love.
In a traditional mating ritual,
he pissed his forelegs and dribbled
his face in the hope of attracting her.
She kept him at paws length
until he brushed his teeth, shined
his hoofs and promised to bathe
in a chlorinated swimming pool.
A devout Rosicrucian,
she insisted on marriage
before she could be humped.
He eagerly signed the contract
for a metaphysical marriage
in a Cosmic alchemical union.
When his wife’s udders began to sag,
and she grew a beard longer than his,
he lost interest and began bleating again.
Milton P. Ehrlich, Ph.D. is an 84 year old psychologist who has published over 100 poems in periodicals such as “The Muse,an International Journal Of Poetry,” “Descant,” “Christian Science Monitor,” Huffington Post,” and the “New York Times.”