Raga Megh Malhar

Tansen, one of the Nine Jewels of Akbar’s court,
has a legend about him.
As spring approached,
and the monsoon prickled in the sky,
waiting to be set forth from its cloudy shell,
he would sing the melodious pakad of Megh Malhar,
and demand the presence of those heavenly waters,
And the monsoon would have no choice but to oblige.
In those days, the mystical Megh Malhar was a dream,
Beautiful, fantastical, awe-inspiring.

But if you think about it,
that ability of man to manipulate the skies,
is nothing special today.
We all do it, every moment of every day.
Every car ride.
Every meal.
Every lightbulb.
Man wrangling Mother Nature to do his will.

So when you hear re ma pa,
and call it magic,

Tell that to the Hosseins in Bangladesh,
now living underneath two cardboard boxes,
held together by aluminum foil,
because the floods chanced upon their village.

Tell that to Rhonda in New Orleans,
whose sons went to protect their store,
but never came home,
swept into nothingness by the waves of a hurricane.

Tell that to Felicia and Javier in Bolivia,
who walk to school every morning,
passing an American ‘natural spring water’ bottling factory,
but are scolded for dirty uniforms,
because there was no water for laundry,
only mud.

So when I hear Megh Malhar,
I yearn for a time when,
The audacity of humanity,
To bend nature to its will,

Was a wondrous dream,
and not a nightmare.

Pooja Joshi is an Indian-American poet currently working as a management consultant in Atlanta, GA. She graduated in 2019 from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. 

Goodbye

To be here,  at the edge of the cliff

taking a deep breath, realizing what I will miss

being still 

and watching thoughts all rush,

changing the striking incidents, to memories in a hush

I can’t stop; my eyes tear up

not knowing when I would smell my pup.

Gazing at the fields of my patti’s tea

to feel her touch with a nosh for me,

the rides and tricks with my dad

making me laugh, tears too; a tad

drama at dawn, stories at dusk

braiding hair with my confidant’s musk

a best friend’s.

Little did I know about pain, this hard

makes me shiver – a piercing shard,

“You’re going for good,” they say

as if what I am going through is nay,

never been in a place like this, never had to face

Yet, I bow down, and tie the lace.

I turn back now, to see the turf

preparing myself for the journey – to surf,

tomorrow, it’s all going to change

with the old man’s truck – rustic and orange

no more doubts or the whys,

all that’s left, all that stays – is my goodbye

Sri Ranjani R is a 19-year-old South Indian and an International English Olympiad silver medalist. She is currently pursuing her management studies at the Indian Institute of Management Rohtak, India.

Moulana-Sahab had taught us to pee sitting down on our forefeet. He said Allah will have our balls chopped off if we pee standing up. The day we got this lesson, we stopped playing with our pee trails. We no longer made big ‘W’s on walls. Inside our pockets, we kept a small piece of red brick so that the last drop of our pee was absorbed in it. Moulana-sahab taught me how to do it perfectly, everyday. He didn’t use the red brick I had in my pocket, but instead used his thumb. This is a secret lesson – he’d say, and forbade me to share that with anyone. I didn’t even tell Faizan, lest Allah be pleased with him more than me.

I didn’t sit the way we were taught to. Back in the days, and before we got lessons from Moulana-sahab; I saw Zeba, Rukhsar, Amina, Puja and other girls in our basti squat to pee. I found that posture more comfortable. Whenever I had an extra glass of water, I peed endlessly and resting my body upon my forefeet for longer stretches used to become unbearable. The shame that followed, restricted me to do my business publicly or in broad daylight. I lost all my pee-buddies one after another, but in the playground we still played together. Once when I and Faizan were flying kites, he pointed at a new girl who had recently joined our basti; he picked up on every newcomer. If he found them smart then he’d make friends with them, otherwise worse would follow. We approached. 

‘Wanna fly Kite with us?’ He asked.

‘No, I’m playing kitchen-kitchen,’ replied the girl.

‘Can you let us play with you?’—was my stock reply. I even wanted to add that I pee like her but before I could open my mouth, Faizan giggled and burst into laughter. 

‘You wanna be her sister or what, playing with vessels and stove?’ 

‘I was just trying to help you.’ It was a lie. The tiny vessels and pitchers were placed beautifully inside a cardboard box and all her fingers were covered in dust. I gazed intently, such that my imagination dwarfed me inside the cardboard-kitchen where I was engrossed in household chores. Afterwards, I didn’t yield to Faizan’s pestering request to play chor-police. I played kitchen-kitchen instead, keeping my eyes on Faizan all the time.  

‘Faizan is not a good boy, he stinks and his gums bleed like monsters. Stay away from him for your safety,’ I told her. I didn’t want her to befriend Faizan and I hated the idea of him playing kitchen-kitchen with her. When we were done playing, she left with the cardboard box, and I rejoined Faizan. We flew kite until dusk.

‘Assalamwalekum Salma baji,’ Faizan mocked. It was the first time that he called me Salma instead of Salman. Our kite was high up and Nizam’s kite was approaching fast. I held the latai while Faizan took control of the thread. He was sweating, shouting and cussing all the kites up in the sky. I loved a mad and frustrated Faizan more than any other. We lost our only kite and he blamed it on me. Dawn drove in and we returned home.

***

I stole coins from Ammi’s purse at night. After returning from school the next day I bought a kite and went to Faizan’s. He wasn’t home, so I sat outside and waited. An hour passed, and I went to check the ground. There he was, having a good time with boys older than himself, some were smoking cigarettes and some slapped khaini on their palms. I felt dwarfed in front of them. They were checking out girls and bhabhis who were filling their water vessels from the community-well. Faizan didn’t notice me until I yelled his name.

‘See what I’ve got for you.’ He took that bitterly and gestured with his hands – go away. Back then, I often found him evasive. Although he was two years older, the way he pushed himself to act beyond his age would end up making him seem more childish. 

I kept away, till all of them left, one after another, leaving Faizan alone.

‘Let’s go fly kites.’

‘No,’ he said, without even looking at me. I followed him to his home. He hadn’t even noticed me, and only saw me when he turned to close the door at his home. I was let down, and since I had nothing else to do that day, I went for a stroll.  

Summers came and went; in the intervening years, Faizan and I interacted even lesser. Until one day, I was returning from work, when I bumped into Faizan. He didn’t spend too much time on catching up, or even asking how I was doing. He wanted a favor – money, the heavy stone of most people’s helplessness. A lot about him had changed, except for the brooding eyes, that seemed to hold the secret of my exile.

‘Just two thousand rupees and I’ll be content. Mother is sick.’

‘You don’t have to lie to me Faizan. I know the brothel girls are being more generous to you lately. In  any case, I don’t have that much money with me right now. But more than that? Please stop wasting your life like this. Your cheeks have hollowed, what have you done to yourself?’

‘I’ll be a good man after a week, pakka. Please give me some money.’ 

‘Money? Wait! Tell me, are you okay? And no, no money. First, go and eat something. Just look at yourself; bones and skins.’

‘What are you, my mother?’

I wanted to slap him and hug him at the same time. Instead I calmed, and gave him a hundred rupee note.

Since I was young, every Eid I waited not for my dress but for Zeba’s. My sister’s clothes would always excite me more. When her dress became old and no one was around, I would try them on. We didn’t have a large mirror. I had to place it on the floor against the wall to check myself from a distance. When Zeba got married, she left with all her dresses. A few years later,  when I started working, the first thing I bought was two sets of salwar-kameez, one for me and one for Zeba. It was difficult to hide it in my small flat. I told Ammi that this was for Zeba too, in case she needed an extra dress for her stay. With that I was saved.

Fridays were special for me, a day to be myself –Salma.

It was on one of those Fridays, that my life turned upside down. To my cursed luck, that day I even had my face made up. The lipstick, kajal, mascara – the blue one, my favorite – were all applied perfectly. I could proudly say, I was a perfectionist in that area. When I was checking myself in the mirror, I sensed I was being watched. I felt naked, the type when a  goat is skinned by a butcher. I felt skinned and hung through an S-shaped rod in a butcher shop. Through the window-gap I saw the eyes that held the secret of my exile. Right at that moment I could have robbed a bank and given him all the money he wanted. If only that would erase what he just saw. I sat on the edge of my bed to calm down. I was numb and  had even forgotten to bolt the door. It was unusually early for my father to come. When he entered I froze, my dupatta flew down from the left shoulder. He gazed at my chest, perhaps wanting to see which fruit was hidden under my kameez. There was none, I never liked taking those make-believe games to their extremes. I sucked my lips and tasted the red lipstick. That was the last day in my home. 

The slight changes that had been dawning upon me since my earliest days didn’t evade Abbu’s sharp gaze. There were times when he would observe me intensely, and I’d feel like a land being hit by a hoe. I didn’t exactly remember the day he stopped talking to me. But it was then that he gave me his last verdict— ‘Chinal’

Now, after all those years, when I reflect back on those days, the only thing that bothers me is why my reasons were always misconstrued. I’m now a twenty eight years old being, and every night a new question burps in my head. Like undigested food, the questions remain stuck until I puke them out. I wonder if my balls had been on either side of my chest and if I had one of those syndromes where scrotum enlarged; I’d have been content with whatever would follow. A handful of semi-inflated, saggy skin, grown out of my chest would have been considered breasts by many. But I doubt if I’d be able to arouse Faizan like girls with ample breasts did. Would he love me for that? 

I wanted to give myself a fresh start in the ‘City of joy’, and arrived in a hope for a little of that joy for me too. The first thing I did was use a double ‘a’ in my name—Salmaan. I liked that slight stretch after ‘m’. For a fractional second, it sounds the ‘Salma’ and then ends up at ‘-an’. 

If only English would let me add a couple of more ‘a’s; people would have to stretch it a bit longer and end up calling me Salma instead of Salman, perhaps to save time. But there is nothing like Salma from outside. She hides under my denims, leather jacket and comes out only on Fridays. But an extra ‘a’ helped little, as later on I realized a dash between the last two letters of my name. A dash, like a river  in rage, withSalmaan on one side and Salma on the other. I’m sailing in between, assuming a shipwreck. 

 The beginning was affected by my lack of knowledge in worldly affairs. I was blessed to have a job in a beauty parlor, as a makeup artist. I’m really good in that field. I felt at home with others of my like. We always had a great time, except on Sundays when they went out to party and I keep myself busy by running door to door, delivering my service. Whatever time I had after work, I spent with one of the mehendi-artists we had in our parlor, learning a handful of techniques from him. After a few months, I had learnt a new skill.  There is a thing about rich people, tell them they are beautiful, that you can make that beauty eternal and they will empty their pockets out for you. 

Within a few years, I emptied out many generous pockets to loan a one room apartment nearby. It was peaceful to know it was all mine. Not fancy at all,  it had enough windows to drive out my miseries and stress. From one of the windows, I could easily see the glimmering dawn arrive from the horizon. I even had access to the rooftop from where I flew kites.

I called home the day I shifted there; they immediately doubted the source of my income. I invited them over too. They didn’t say no, but didn’t say yes either. Things moved.

I got a call from Faizan one day, after seven long years. He wanted to see me. The mere thought of him flooded my brain with happiness.

I bought a dress, an expensive perfume and visited a small Mazaar located close by. I offered a chaadar. It was Friday. While returning home I bought halwa for Faizan and a roll of holy thread to tie around his wrist.

 I recognized him from a distance. He looked heavier that he did earlier, but also, much better. 

‘Kaisey ho?’ How are you? I asked from behind. He looked stunned.

‘Hey, how are you?’ Not looking into my eyes, his gaze wandered around the tea shop for a place to sit.

‘Let’s go home.’ Two dogs barked in the distance, muffling my voice. The dogs ceased barking just as I had raised my voice to repeat what I said. Eyes turned to me…

‘I’ve someone here with me.’ He said, motioning the girl behind him towards us. She had been standing there waiting. After introductions, Faizan fidgeted. He didn’t say much, and just wanted me to see her, know her name. Less than two minutes later, he asked her to sit on the chair around the corner. She gave a brief smile, nodded at me, and walked towards the chair.

‘We got married yesterday. It wasn’t as beautiful a wedding as we had both planned. A few signatures, a hasteful niqaah and we were done. We couldn’t even hold a proper ceremony. She is a Hindu, you see. They have been creating problems throughout, and now they are hunting us! I don’t know where to go Salman. I want to… ask you for one last favor. I am close to finding work, I know I am. Please, could you arrange a place for us to stay? For a week or two, I will repay this in kind, I promise.’

Through the course of their stay in my apartment, I hardly spent any night under the same roof. I always had excuses to stay out. I spent the days working overtime and at 5:20 PM, I would board the Coalfield Express from Howrah to Dhanbad. Many nights, I wandered about the platforms only to board the same train to return in the morning. I was fined too because that’s what they do when you have nowhere to go, you have to pay for it too.

I was almost asleep when they approached me. The thunderous clap and bitter sweet voice seemed violent at first. When I opened my eyes, her nose was just a few inches away from mine. I could see the withering foundation of cheap quality. The rosy lipstick, applied imperfectly failed to conceal the black lips underneath. Her breath carried the smell of cheap pan-masala. Teeth were all black due to excess consumption of tobacco. But overall, she smelt of Rajnigandha. She was dressed in a red sari and when she turned her head I saw a safety pin mindfully placed on her shoulder strap to size down her bra. On her left shoulder, another safety-pin of a bigger size was pinned to affix the pallu. 

‘Babu kuch de, give us something, son.’ I gave her a fifty-rupee note and slept again. They blessed me every night. And I loved the way they touched my hair.

Faizan got a job soon enough and earned enough to take care of his little family. Shruti was really sweet and loved him dearly. I loved the way she called me Dabang in jest. Surprisingly, I didn’t have much to talk with Faizan, but with Shruti I was on great terms. Her family wasn’t mad at her anymore, apparently.

 One night, Faizan brought a small jar of mango pickle and we tasted it, at least in the beginning, before we picked at it one by one until it halved. The day after next, I saw a Prega-news strip in the bathroom; it was positive.

Rashida and her group arrived late. They didn’t ask for money from me now. And Rashida never missed touching my hair. Sometimes, we would converse late into the night. It was one of those nights, when I ended up telling her the story of my exile. As I wrapped it up, she closed in towards me with her hand stretched. The handkerchief she held had a Sun embroidered on it. I broke down.

After taking an early leave from work, I went to the market, bought a kite, a black marker and headed home. Home hardly had any trace of me. or my touch. Shruti and Faizan had ingrained to the very foundation. Even the air smelt of them. I saw them everywhere.

I had a trunk by the bed, where I kept a lehenga. I had bought that sometime before the fateful call from Faizan, so I never had the time to try that on myself. I picked it up, looked at it for a few seconds and gifted it to Shruti, asking her to change. 

I wrote on the kite:

‘Dear Faizan, 

I once wanted to rob a bank for you but wasn’t courageous enough. Below this kite, you’ll find the legal documents of this apartment. It’s yours now. Don’t worry about the installments either, I’ll pay them off too. A gift from me, to your child.

Salma-n’

I wrapped the kite with the other papers and sealed it with duct tape; Faizan in block letters on the cover. I left without seeing Shruti. 

Zakir Aatish Khan is a short story writer, based in Raniganj, West Bengal, India. He is a graduate in Political science and has also learnt Creative Writing at the British Council. He writes for his Instagram handle – Bookboozer.

She confined herself to her 68 square feet room, erected books in a delectable manner, with a table lamp close by that was barely enough for her reading. When it was time to sleep, she rolled out the mat that was earlier upright, rolled and coiled it in concentric circles – the symmetry of which could bring about a hallucination. Today she has picked up the least scary book from the shelf, reading it for the 3rd time, ‘Afterlife: Ghost Stories from Goa’. She had picked it up years ago from a book fair with her mother. 

Mother was never interested in novels or any books for that matter. She was interested in cookbooks though, which she read visually and with some help in humming and crooning along with the alphabets. Reading in this single genre, had become a routine that she had committed to follow. She had made herself promise to be wholly consumed by ghostly spirits, unseen, in darkness. The day her mother died, she was not present and when she arrived, she was grateful to her relatives for waiting. The pot-loiba ritual (annihilation of the body elements – fire, water, wind and earth) was previously decided to be performed in her presence, but she was quite late, and they completed the pot-loiba without her. 

Avri was flustered, as she tried to recount that, and that short memory was a haze, blurred under unconfirmed chronology. Fragments of her memory speeded back and forth in her mind. One uttered, “Your mom had nail marks on the neck, pointed: certainly not of human.” Another hissed, “The house had seen paranormal activities since some time. Your mother often complained of running noises from the terrace, some women wailing.” 

All these little things seemed to frame a common, underlying plot of a horror story or film. Though her mother died of arthritis and also due to her frequent respiratory problems, she couldn’t ignore all the voices that caged her.

People’s voices. Whose?

Ever since she had arrived, all the voices seemed the same. Olivia, the tall, model cousin clawed her fingers around the glass, pouring alcohol in the backyard secretly, murmuring something. Little Sana’s round glasses which looked more like an old granny’s pair than those of the pretty kind looked very offplace on her.

“Sanarei, come in. It’s your dinner time.” The girl’s mother called. She slept early, and so had to be fed and tucked into bed.

Olivia hid the cigarette and hummed to a hipster song. She was considered ‘spoilt’ for a small town person. After the aunt left, the girl took the liberty to position her cigarette again, and headed back to her chain of thoughts. Blank. A blank stare. To the empty land spread out of the house’s backyard boundary. Avri couldn’t help but transport herself into the horror scenes on TV. The scenes where the characters tend to go out around midnight and seemingly welcome fear to take shape through ghosts. But it seemed justified here, it was winter, and the verandah was vast and the fire across the grill kept them warm. 

It was the perfect opportunity for Olivia to indulge herself. However, the grill was empty; a family can’t eat non-vegetarian food for 12 days after a person’s death. The fire, though, burned non-stop, battling the winter chill. 

When all the rituals were dusted away, lasting several days, when people started to leave, they all seemed to eye her strangely. A strange commiseration. There was a similar, sensitive and emotive phrase everyone appeared to convey. Some through their eyes, some through a bidding embrace, a tap on the shoulder and some via a rub on the back. 

Everything seemed to lead to one question for her. A peculiar tongue. For the first few days, the people buzzed in and around her, while her mother’s images flashed now and then. In her sleep. It continued for nights. On some days, her mother would be standing by the unfinished painting. She had worked as an art curator and was a painter too. She had projects filed under the desk, but she chose to paint with her mind. A reminiscence, that was too hard for her to form at the moment. She couldn’t differentiate; what was real and what wasn’t. She picked up her notes on Hilma af Klint art. Her eyes stared down the lines and circles and shapes that she admired. She smiled briefly, she knew her mother’s appearances were a mockery of her illusions. Her grief and guilt were assaulting her with images of someone gone. 

She walked back to the room, and saw a man in plaid button up shirt, tucked in grandpa trousers. She smirked and tried to avoid him. 

“Avri,” someone muttered under her ears. She was fearless at this point; and dressed up in a new, white linen sweater and a pair of beige tapered pants. She dug for the most scary book, but they were becoming too regular for her now. Like the neighbors clattering around next door. At times, in a serious demeanor, she thought of herself as one of ‘The Five’ and performed her own attempt for communication with the dead, an area of self-acclaimed expertise.

“Did she return? For real? Am I the one rejecting it? Can the dead come back for real?” She pondered.

“Did the folktale turn out to be true? Did a cat cross over my mom’s body and now she has turned to a hiyangthou (a ghost in Manipuri folklore)? She doesn’t haunt me, but has she somehow retained her soul in this house?” 

Her brain couldn’t carry weighted thoughts anymore and her eyelids, dropped to sleep. 

She woke up briefly, half sleepy, and saw her mother by her side again. Very calm, her hair combed and face made up well. Her lips were scrubbed a well-balmed pink. She was definitely not a ghost. Is that how she died, peacefully despite of all the mongering whispers of people? It was probably better then, if she passed that way. 

The next day, she rolled the mat over her, capturing herself in sleep, the floor was littered with books, warped chart papers and half drawings. She felt a sudden urge to throw up, and headed to the washroom. Her eyes went almost blind at that time. She could just see black everywhere, as though it was the only color that she knew, that she painted with: the one color that comprised her world. 

She slept randomly for days, woke up at odd hours but, also remained fed and full.

The man and her mother talked by the bedside. Her condition had become untreatable and she had to be sent away for advanced care, which her mother hesitated to do. 

She held the painting that lay unfinished, it was a pencil outline of a photograph within a photograph. There were dots. Like puzzles. But who would join them correctly? 

Alive or dead, who’d vouch for which? Within the 68 square feet room, what she had created was her own story. The dots of their story, her and her mother’s, were disconnected but also proportional to the years they had been apart. 

Avri reached home, clutching suitcases and neatly packaged paintings. She was already being called a mad woman at her workplace and in the neighborhood where she stayed. Three days before she arrived home, on the computer screen, words were chaotic. The lines, the letters, all scattered, and a message popped up from a person whose name quite correctly read as Dr. Ghosh. 

“Mother is dead.” 

Ah, the arthritis! Poor mother, bastard daughter. She gulped down some tablets, one after another, keeping a 10 min gap between each. 

Mother had maintained the house economically and skillfully. Seven years was just like yesterday. And just like yesterday, she had the same meal her mother had cooked for the two of them after hunching on the kitchen stove for a fair 40 minutes; after coming back from the Sunday market. The kettle was still boiling, fresh on the gas, the cat purred in from the window, the camphor wafted down from the top of the cupboard, a familiar smell of roasted puntius from the backside grill – her mother’s favourite side dish, came bearing down as well. Were these the smells from before, remnants? The agarbatti smell of the morning puja dived in too, the ones from the usual packet, with Shiva on the cover. A faceless man had accompanied her till home. She didn’t recognize him. She couldn’t recognize herself too. She was losing her identity apparently; she touched her face and slathered her hands on a smooth, flat board. But she could paint whatever she wanted there as well. She speeded to the room upstairs, to the sacredly stored books and childhood elementary memoirs of art, and rummaged along the torn and wretched spine of the art book of class 2. The faceless man, or Dr. Ghosh, was it? He told her to draw a piece of her fondest memory, which she could relive. She held the pencil, sharp as a knife and teared through a surprise parcel box. But she had lost it. She has lost herself in a riddle. A riddle of dots. In the rudimentary art books, students were made to join the existing dots and form the shape of animals, things and figures. One incorrect seam would make the art drawing go wrong. 

25th February: a mad woman, with a name tag, red-faced, black sparse straight hair, and skinny physique, died of a sudden cardiac arrest, an old klonopin clawed in her hand hermetically. She had diseases, many of them.

Avri’s dots had aligned to a straight line, and found way to afterlife.

Ruby Singha studies English (MA Literature) at Delhi University. A poetry, prose and pizza aficionada who, when not writing, reads up on Neapolitan pizza and keeps trying to make one. Born in Silchar, Assam, she considers Shillong as another home.

We were seven when we met in Sanjaynagar Sahakari Vidyalaya, a municipal school in Pune.. Savitri and I had seen each other before, but I never had the courage to approach her. Kids from our chawl never played with me owing to their parents’ inhibitions. We lived across from each other in Sanjaynagar Chawl. Her mother did laundry and took up cleaning work at a couple of societies nearby while mine made chapatis for the kids whose parents were busy. Her father was a Rickshaw driver, who also ran a simultaneous, ironing business. My father, on the other hand, alternated between drinking and running a ‘recycling centre’ or put simply, he was a bhangarwala. He collected trash and sold it but didn’t make as much money as my mother did. Most of the trash in his shop consisted of bottles emptied by my father, and it was fair to say he went to ‘work’ when our one-room home had no space for new bottles. 

In a place where no one was doing particularly well and where everyone was quite far from making ends meet, we were even farther. My household was notorious for its drunkard who downed enough liquor for the colony, while Savitri’s was as ideal as it could be, with hard working parents; they had saved up to buy a second hand TV and a fridge, her father was immune to the disease infested by “desi daru” in a place like Sanjaynagar.

I would be lying if I said I had friends. Parents wouldn’t be appreciative if their kids were friends with me, and well, people in the chawl knew everything that was going on is their neighbour’s lives.,  It seemed fair to me. After all, they all heard my father yell at the television well into the wee hours of early morning, , as if news channel panelists could hear his yelling. 

Bad influence was around them already, and the last thing they would want for their kids was to be friends with the daughter of the drunkest of the drunkards.

But Savitri never had qualms about things like these – she shared her chapatis with me in school even when she had only one at times, she became my only friend and didn’t shy away from admitting it in front of other students, she even came to our place so the we could do homework together. 

We played together, ate together and studied together. I shared my fantasies with her – going to a movie theatre, taking a trip to the mall, eating out at Relax which served the best Pav Bhaji in the city. But the one thing that we wanted really badly was to have a birthday cake. We were not sure why, of all the luxuries we could possibly want, we wanted cake. Maybe because everyone shared everything in Sanjaynagar, and cake seemed to be a reasonable choice, being something that is also traditionally shared. There were no birthday parties in the locality, none of us had had cake. I think a lot of us would be happy if our parents remembered our birthdays.

“We will have cake together; I won’t have it without you, and you don’t get to have it without me. Promise?” She held her hand out for me to take it and seal the deal. I did. It was more about experiencing it together than the taste itself. 

She was the first and the only friend I made. Turning down invitations to play Dabba Aispas if I was not invited; she would refuse to leave till I was done with homework. And she would leave when the kids talked about me.

Even when she really cared about me like a true guardian, I felt jealous. Of what? She had everything I didn’t – friends other than me, a normal family, good relations with neighbours, a father who wasn’t a drunk. 

***

Savitri had been spending a fair chunk of time with her mother, trying to teach her English. I was left alone with my father. My own mother was sceptical about that.

She had started taking me to her work in one of the societies. Often, she would get busy with the chores, and I usually ended up talking to the house owner’s daughter. She mostly asked me to bring her water, and bring it again with ice, and then with more ice. Noticing what I was being subjected to, her mother,  asked her to invite me to her birthday. 

My first birthday invitation.

I walked home that evening and dropped by Savitri’s place on the way. Seeing her busy reading to her mother, I felt something rise within me. I would never share a moment like that with my parents, my mother was always too busy and father, was, father. Dejected, I changed into a dress that my mother’s employer had given me for Diwali. It was the best I had; a white knee length dress with blue frills around the neck, and pink flowers all over. 

On my way to the party, I saw Savitri playing langdi, hopscotch, with the kids from the chawl. 

“Where are you going?” She asked as I approached them.

I stood there, staring ahead. I thought about our promise of eating cake together, probably watching the look on each other’s faces when handed the triangular pieces. Could I do that without Savi? 

But. She was playing with other kids, something I could never do. The hundreds of times her mother came to meet our teachers and the way her father took an active interest in her life. 

And the tiffin, she always had a full, content tiffin for school.

She could do without cake today.

Ananya Damodare is a third year student at the University of Wisconsin, Madison studying biology. Ananya has spent most of her life in Pune, Maharashtra. She hopes to pursue a PhD in molecular and cellular biology. Ananya enjoys reading, and believes that fiction is a way to humanize facts pervasive in other forms of writing. She has done a summer course in fiction writing at Brown University. Ananya enjoys volunteer at educational organisations, reading and is involved in neuroscience research at her college.

The limp of a man is hard to ignore.
Imagine if he had a crutch, his wing?
If his dreams didn’t soar
but he did,
how great that would be?

Such a man and I were friends a summer ago,
His limp and my lisp, were one and the same.
He walked along the streets writing with his feet,
I paced on streets as our spoken words stood still.

I was his wing, for a day or two perhaps.
I made his curse my burden
But I had to leave, his sorry pocket
behind,
Because mine now had treasures,
A wing of a different kind.

So I flew away, in the arms of clouds
Bank notes swirled too, as if in a race,
With birds, with flies – with the breeze and its sway
I left the man long ago, he has given up walking,
Now, he traces his steps on a piece of paper,
the same piece where I used to carry my lisp.

Protiti Rasnaha Kamal was born and raised in Dhaka, Bangladesh. She is a recent graduate of Mount Holyoke College,Massachusetts, USA where she studied Neuroscience. Her writings have been published in Dhaka Tribune and The Daily Observer.

Do you remember the first time I met you, my dear? It was at a dusty summer resort just outside the city, nine summers ago. We were there for our friends, who were celebrating a birthday or, maybe it was an anniversary. I had come with a date, the girl I was seeing then, and you seemed to have come without one.

I had agreed to be there for my friend because it would make for a fun getaway with my girl, and you had agreed to be there for your friend because she wanted the company of her boyfriend and all of her girl friends for that celebration. Neither of us had found ourselves in that old, resort looking for someone, but what did we know? You were wearing a red t-shirt, and I, black. Your pants were black, and mine were forest green. Both of us had some funny shoes on, the canvas kind. You hadn’t tied up your hair, and the first time I looked at you, it took me more than a few seconds to look away. Do you remember how you looked that day? Oh, you looked precious, a childish laughter danced on your face, and I thought, ‘Ah, cute!’

We had reached the resort just before noon. In a couple of hours our large group settled down at a sufficiently large table for lunch. I wonder what it was that made us sit diagonally opposite each other; with twenty other people there. It was so easy and natural to look at you. My ex, for some reason, sat two seats away from me then, with the host couple between us. At first it confused me, the infectious laughter in that place; maybe there was something funny in going out with a large group of new friends, half or more of whom we were meeting for the first time. 

But the experience was the same for me as well, so why was I not laughing? They’d break out in loud bouts of laughter over the smallest, silliest of jokes. It seemed like they were competing to make jokes, and I felt so lost, so out of place. You saved me at that table, or rather we saved each other. 

Looking around after one of their jokes. I chanced upon your face, also blank and really beautiful. I couldn’t look away. Your puzzled search for the meaning of the joke, ended on my face. A little taken aback, you laughed. We laughed like that, you and I, every time our friends cracked a joke, and we were glad they did not notice us laughing at them rather than with them. There was only us at that table; and we, as one unit, became the audience to a stage of 18 actors of a slapstick comedy. You may not have realised it at the time, but those moments, my eyes holding the attention of yours, became some of the most precious memories of my life. 

***

I made you laugh on the staircase. Having fun, I asked you, and you opened up in laughter, throwing your head back, making your hair waver. The sound of you laughing uninhibited; seemed to unlock something in me. 

The actors moved towards an upper floor, where they would dance in the dim light to jockeyed music. You and I, made some excuse, separately, to reach there late. I was so glad we had done that, although at the time we did not know that we would run into each other outside the hall, in the wide open land of the resort, even as our friends rioted inside its rooms. 

The staircase was small and squeaky, the iron rusted, and you were slow in your steps, so I held out my hand for you because I was already on the ground, and after blushing a little, you gave your left hand. A soft hand, like that of a child’s but not that small either; I wanted to run my thumb across it, but it would have been inappropriate. After you came down the stairs, you took a deep breath and pressed your lips together. You looked at me as if scanning my face, staring at me with your cheeks pulled back in a smile. Then you let go of my hand. 

We walked together, in large circles, in small and slow steps, breathing an air that felt fresher than before. You asked me about her, and I told you, and I asked you why you were there without him, and you said there was no him; that you were still looking. I guess I am just not lucky enough, you said, and then you might have seen the doubt in my eyes. We did not talk about the breeze or how fresh and soothing it felt even under the hot sun, and there was a dearth of cold water out there but we did not talk about that either. We watched in silence, the syncing of our lazy steps, movement that would have told any voyeur that we did not want to go back inside. 

I do not like dancing, I told you, and you nodded approvingly. You shared your fear of dancing in the presence of anybody except the closest of friends. I nodded. We assumed the others must all have been enjoying themselves on the dance floor; because nobody had bothered to check on us. But it had only been a short while, ten minutes or maybe twenty, and we had to walk back to our friends. I had to find my girl in the dark, and dance with her.

***

My girl did not tell me that she was waiting for me, but I found her dancing by herself, seemingly relaxed and happy. I danced with her, keeping an eye out for you. You danced with your girl friends only, and even though two guys asked you, you turned them away. You disappeared soon, and I kept dancing with my girl. It seemed like a long time because, with each step of our feet, I felt a need to see you again, to even dance with you, but maybe we were both afraid of that. 

Later, we moved to the poolside, and these children, taller than you and me, started pushing each other into the pool. Some girls objected to the pushing, and  were left by the poolside, still splashed with water, including my girl. She told them not to do that, but she couldn’t stop giggling. They kept throwing water on her until she was quite drenched. You kept a straight face and told them no, and threatened to leave from the poolside too, so they left you alone, and I did the same as you, but they were not as keen on drenching me anyway. We were glad to be left out of the water games.

When we had to leave I shook everybody’s hand and to some of them, as if courteously, I said this was fun, we should do it again, so that when you were near I could hold your hand and tell you goodbye too. It was raw, it felt like cheating, with my girl beside me telling her goodbyes, and me holding your hand and telling you it was nice meeting you. 

When you let go of my hand, you let go slowly. You looked sad. Did I look sad too? 

Do you remember any of this, my dear? 

You see, I remember all this, but I don’t remember your name.

Sharjeel writes short fiction and poetry, and may or may not complete his first novel. He has a background in print journalism, and he lives in Hyderabad, India. Three of his short stories have been published by digital magazines. His blog is here.

It was day three of being back at home. Vajra won’t speak to me, or even acknowledge me. I have known him for a whole year and in that time, I haven’t liked him once. Not that he had bothered to show any love either. His disdain for me was quite apparent when I came home and found wet clothes drying on my bed. I wasn’t gone that long, a month at most, but he had already replaced the beautiful pale lilac colour of my bedroom walls with the gaudy, monstrosity of magenta. I could almost see the toxic crimson-pink fumes rising up off the walls and suffocating me. Vajra’s heavy lilted speech could be heard invading my thoughts with, “Don’t be such a drama-bitch, bitch!”

Vajra’s dark heart seldom showed itself beneath the slick exterior of the suave techie that he wore everyday. Tatai, my son, can’t see it either, while I could, a mile away. From the time he creeped into the everyday stories that Tatai shared with me, to the way he avoided my eyes the moment we met, I could tell that something was wrong about him. He didn’t say or do anything wrong. It was just a feeling at the pit of my stomach.

The bitter after-taste of reminiscing about Vajra was interrupted by the arrival of Jabru. A tiny, round-faced, matte-brown skinned maid who pretended to work at our house. She was no better than twelve of her predecessors who worked here, but she kept to herself.

She was like a bus that didn’t wait for passengers to get on. She wrestled the key out of the heavy oak front door. From the balcony, she picked up a broom, smacked the side of her leg with it and smiled indulgently. I had never seen this kinky side to her before. But then again, I had never really bothered to know her before. I cleared my throat out of habit. She glanced my way, sobered up and commenced her ‘work’. A peculiar smell of old sweat clinging to sun-dried clothes, cheap perfume and fresh sweat, followed her into my bedroom. I was oddly comforted by the familiarity of that smell.

Jabru swished the broom in semi-circular arcs mid-air and made her way towards me. She spotted a splotch of magenta paint on the floor and busied herself with scratching it off with her nails. That was one of her eccentricities that made her unique. She was hired to wash utensils and sweep and mop the floor. That was all. But over the years, she had taken it upon herself to rearrange my closet regularly, and by extension ensured that I never found anything immediately; repurposed the containers in the kitchen so that, again, I never found anything. 

She once started a one-woman cockroach hunt in our house and massacred a city’s worth of cockroaches the same day. She also bathed a strange cat with my son’s expensive shampoo. The cat, unsurprisingly, was never seen in our neighbourhood again. Jabru worked as her fancy saw fit. It would be a miracle if she actually performed the duties that she was hired for. Often, Tatai and I completed all her work before Vajra came home. Vajra, however, was no fool and understood everything. 

Once, Jabru had casually sauntered into Vajra’s study. I only heard him say, “Out!” The terror in Jabru’s eyes made me feel that he probably said a lot more with his face. He was my son’s live-in partner for almost a year now and I still hadn’t become used to ugly behind his chiselled face. His features were set symmetrically enough to a handsome, fair, excellently-groomed man but his eyes shattered that image.

Jabru met with the same, vicious resistance, a little more than a month back, when I first noticed that Tatai was prone to longer, recurring migraines. High on the fumes of her occasional bouts of magnanimity, Jabru sauntered into their bedroom with a pink dusting cloth in her hand. She ran out immediately, her eyes heavy with bewilderment, and came into my bedroom. She closed the door behind herself and plonked her budget-sized bottom on the swivel chair.

After a few moments, as she probably tried to collect her frayed thoughts, she looked me with tears of accusation in her eyes and said, “Didima, how can you let such a thing happen right under your nose?”

This was the first time Jabru questioned the nature of Tatai’s relationship with Vajra. I pretended not to understand and said, “Let what happen, Jabru?”

“Didima, can’t you see that there is something terribly wrong with Tatai dada?”

“What do you mean, Jabru?”

“When I entered the room, Tatai dada was smiling and talking to Vajra dada. He did not look sick at all. Then Vajra dada gave an injection and he started to look lost and fuzzy. I asked Vajra dada what was wrong with Tatai dada and he slapped me!”

Goose-pimples slowly rose up on my skin. I decided to deal with the issues one at a time. I sent Jabru home, promising her that I would look into it. When she left, I walked up to Tatai’s closed, bedroom door and knocked softly.

“What do you want, this time?” Vajra whisper-screamed at me.

I was taken aback by the level of hostility. It was as though we had been at war with each other for over two hours, when really, we hadn’t even spoken to each other in a week.

“I want to see Tatai,” I said to him.

“He’s sleeping. Come back later,” Vajra said and shut the door in my face.

The next few days passed similarly. Jabru came and went about her work to probably avoid having a conversation with anybody in the house. The day I left, I  figured that I couldn’t take it anymore. That my son was sick, and in pain, and I couldn’t even hold him close. It had been a week since he had last stepped out of his bedroom unassisted by Vajra. That day, Vajra left the house on an errand. I quickly sneaked into Tatai’s room and was shocked to see him in a much poorer state than I had imagined. He was half the size of his former self, with eyes sunk deep into his skull and the skin pale and clammy.

“Tatai,” I said, sitting beside him, feeling his temperature with my palm against his forehead.

“Ma,” he said, opening his eyes, and pointed at his mouth. I picked up a glass of water and helped him take a few sips.

“Where were you, ma? Don’t you know I’m sick? Vajra said that he tried to tell you but you were always out brunching, dating and partying?”

I was shocked by these accusations. I instinctively defended myself, “Vajra is evil. He is lying. I have been waiting to meet you every day, standing outside your door to catch a glimpse of you but that Vajra didn’t allow me!”

I could see that Tatai was still drowsy. He said in a lazy drawl, “Your jealousy is obnoxious, ma. I am not your little boy any more. You need to accept that I have chosen him for myself. Now please go, I’m tired.”

A shadow fell on his face as he went back to sleep. I turned around to see Vajra blocking the doorway, a packet of medicines dangling from his hands.

“Please let my son go, Vajra. Can’t you see that he needs help? I can get you both help. Please, just let him go,” I pleaded.

“Help?” snapped Vajra. his eyes glowing. His voice  seemed to bounce off the walls as if from within a deep well.

“Nobody can help. My mother tried for years. She sent me to a hundred doctors. She fed me medicines instead of food. But she could not help me. She never understood, that all I wanted to do was help people. The first person I helped was the eighty year old father of my neighbour. The poor man was forced to go on evening walks, so I broke his back with my cricket bat. Problem solved. Broken back meant no more forced walks. I’ve helped so many people over the years but nobody understands me.”

Vajra’s face changed from a light pink to a deep, earthy purple. The smell of medicines in the room was overpowered by his body odour; I could smell it from eight feet away.

“I promise I can help you,” I said, sure that my words fell on deaf ears.

He ignored the edge in my voice.

“He was always just too damn happy all the time, laughing with everyone, making a spectacle of himself. He didn’t even know that, until I showed him how cheap and desperate he looked. It wasn’t easy, at first at least. I had to patiently chip away at his confidence. Insults didn’t work and simply rolled off his back,” he paused, and took a deep breath. 

The room seemed darker when he continued, “I realised that the best way to control him was to cut away at his friendships. After that it was simple. I had him all to myself… but that bastard, Shashi, his best friend, did not give him up that easily. He kept trying to reach him, so I had to stop Tatai from leaving the house. With my help, he has now become pure again. He is worthy of my love.”

While he was speaking I quietly held onto the glass that Tatai had water from, behind my back. Gaining confidence, I said, “Let us go now, or I’ll call the police!” I broke the glass on the side of the bed and foolishly aimed it at him. The shards of glass flew everywhere but to where he stood leaning against the doorframe. 

Vajra smirked, a cruel fire in his eyes as he said, “No you won’t!”

***

That is the last of what I remember from then.

I had moved past the incidents of that day but three days back, I heard Tatai murmuring, in my head. It didn’t take me long to rush back home; and I found everything had changed, everything except Jabru. I smiled at her, the Jabru  picking at a spot of paint on the floor that was not part of her job description.

“Jabru!” I shouted.

Jabru sprang back like a cat and shuddered.

“Didima, you’re back? Let me just change your bedsheets,” she said to the closed washroom door and stepped out of my room before I could say anything else.

“What are you doing with those sheets?” Vajra growled.

“Didima has come home after so long. I’m just changing her bedsheet.”

“Have you gone mad,” he shouted. “That woman will never be back in this house again.”

Confusion briefly flickered across her eyebrows and slithered down to her shoulders before she shrugged it off. She sat down on the floor, in front of my cupboard, picking at a spot of dust in the corner.

“Jabru!” I shouted again. 

This time, she nearly jumped out of her skin, slipped on the handle of the broom on the floor and lightly thumped her head against the wall. She momentarily forgot about the scare and regained composure after a few seconds. Bending down to look at the crack in the wall, she prodded it slightly with the tip of her toe and some plaster fell off. 

Ah, finally! My little toe, peeking from inside the plaster, could breathe. I had very little time left, even less to celebrate. 

“I know you can hear me, Jabru,” I said. “Please, go call  the police! Tell them that Tatai is being held captive in this house. If they don’t believe you, tell them about my body!” I shouted the last few words at her retreating figure, hoping that she’d heard me.

I stayed there, lost. They came. As Tatai was wheeled away, I locked eyes with him. “Ma,” he said. I mouthed, I love you. Did he see it?

Sheba Ghosh is just exploring her wings as a writer. Being a new mother to an amazing one year old son, has told her that she is a superhero, and also married to one. Although not been published so far, she is currently working on a trans-positive crime drama novel, a few short stories and some poems.

Homebound 

It begins before sunrise
As the night gently ebbs
I close my eyes to a waxing light
Letting my thoughts unfurl

Away to the sound of waking
and footsteps slapping
gently on tiled floors.
Too small to be wise
yet lost deep in thought
I hear them fading
beyond my door.

I hear the sounds of ware-selling,
the sound of songs being sung.
the sounds of spoken smiles
And the distant beating drums.

I hear a grimace in one’s remark.
I hear an embrace in another’s retort.
I hear a million parting words
Until daylight gathers into stars once more

I hear the bustling hums of a city
As thousands of souls awake
I hear the low rumble of traffic
And the sharp screech of bicycle brakes

I hear the grinding pounds of spices
And the sizzling splutter of fried oil
I hear the sounds of people like me
A medley of colors and cadence and life

In these moments of forced blindness
I remember the land
where I used to be.
Where silence was given, not demanded.
And there lived a choir of those truly free.

In my mind
I feel my footsteps ringing
Not echoing
In empty streets.
I hear my feet tapping amidst a thousand others
In the comfortable silence across the seas.

A place where warmth is etched in dusky skin
And loneliness can never be.
Where love is rampant in each exchange
And anything is a possibility.

My eyes quiver, closed
As the sun’s light shines.
Alighting the world in its ethereal glow
Fearing to open upon cold silence.

No sound, save for the distant caw of a crow.

A cacophony through my heart
As I hear the hum of those
I love.
The lilting of joy and soft reprimands
of clinking silverware and cooing doves.

I hear the sounds temple bells make
And the prayers that follow after
And lost amidst those deafening thoughts
I hear the sound
Of my own forsaken laughter.

Posthumous 

There is a party beyond the edge of tomorrow
A place of wonder beside the shore
Where invitations specially made
And the guests are often quite the bore.

The decorations are a natural affair.
Wood and bone and crimson rain
Beside the moonlit Ganges’ shore
Music the sound of holy water

They come and gather, an eerie crowd.
Have conversations by the light of fire.
This party, its guests lack most
No hope nor pain, not even desire.

They march in a rhythm, sans-beat
Time lost beneath their rippled veil
Hand in hand, sinners and saints
Equal in their upheaval

People pile on each other, as the night passes on.
The dress code remains a pure white as
Women, children and men alike
Flock to the desolations, cleared of all dues.

I saw them once, between tears
I saw them dancing beside the shore
I saw their smiles, lacking laugher
Bodies writhing in massless horde.

Amidst the throng of outlanders I see
Draped in a shade brighter than white
His figure, stern and unrelenting
Heart of the cabal and final rites.

A wave of remorse is all I feel
As I long to whisper parting words.
Too far is he beyond my touch
My dissident screams left unheard.

And I saw him step up to the gatekeeper,
past the curtains of flames
I saw his eyes, pools of oblivion
As he joined in to make the exchange.

All around me, voices chanting,
Murmuring prayers for his fated journey
A million voices singing to the ashes
As he danced with partygoers, soundlessly

At this party there is no music.
Only the silence of an afterlife.
Memories and mortal remains
All lost within a pulsing sea of white.

Shraya is an engineering graduate who realized a little late that what she truly enjoys is communicating with people (and not machines!), whether through poetry or prose. Currently, she has been spending her days teaching English in Japan and exploring the people, the culture and the language.